NJ Adoption Counseling

Adoptive Parents ~ Adoptee ~ Birth Parents
Guidance & Counseling , Morris County, NJ

Alexandra Pintauro, MA, LPC Licensed Professional Counselor Psychotherapist , EMDR Level 2 Specialist in Adoption Issues Couples, Marriage & Family Therapist Certified Substance Awareness Counselor State Certified in Children’s Needs Assessments Certified in Posttraumatic Stress Management

Alexandra Pintauro, LPC, has obtained a specialty in clinical issues related to adoption. She expanded her post graduate training in family therapy to include additional post graduate training in adoption at Rutgers University. She completed a certificate program related to therapeutic interventions for all members of the adoption triad: the adoptee, adoptive parents, and birth parents. Her goal is to help all family members to face the challenges and experience the joy of the adoption experience.

ADOPTION COUNSELING

Adoption is a lifelong process which challenges all participants of the adoption triangle. Alexandra works with all family members to guide them through the emotional complexity of their unique developmental life cycle.

Attachment and the Child

When an adoption takes place, there are several adjustments for all members of the triad. One of the most common issues that can arise for adoptive families are the attachment wounds of the child.. Attachment refers to the biologically based, lasting emotional connectedness between human beings which facilitates safety and security. Many adoptees face challenges of impaired attachment.

Symptoms of impaired attachment in children include: lack of eye contact, lack of affection, inappropriately demanding and clingy behavior, ignoring adult directions, poor impulse control, lack of cause and effect thinking, poor peer relationships, and abnormal eating patterns.

My approach for working with adoptees is family based. The family is the primary source of care and healing for the adopted child. My role is to facilitate the development of attachment and trust in the family. The ability to form and sustain meaningful attachments is the foundation of healthy development. Throughout the therapeutic process, the family learns to meet the needes of the child and become emotionally attuned. As this becomes established, the child will develop trust and attachment. Trust is crucial for the child to be able to accept care and control from them and to learn to give and receive love.

There are seven core issues of adoption which she helps you and your loved ones to address and heal from:

1. Loss

After all, adoption is created through loss. Birthparents lose the child born to them. Adoptees lose their birthparents. And adoptive parents lose the child that would have been born to them or the child they imagined they would adopt.

2. Rejection

When people suffer loss for any reason, they tend to blame themselves. In doing this, they may conclude that they suffered loss because they were unworthy of having whatever was lost. As a result, they feel rejected. Adoptees often feel rejected by the birthparents, birthparents may reject themselves as unworthy because they placed their child for adoption, and adoptive parents may feel that their bodies or God has rejected them.

3. Shame

Shame has to do with a feeling of damage or defect in oneself, a standard for what one can never become. Adoptees may feel that they can never become the perfect child the birthparents must have wanted, or the adoptive parents may desire. Adoptive parents will never be the child's biologic parents. Birthparents will never function as the child's biologic parents. Adoptive children may feel shame at being different, adoptive parents may feel ashamed of their infertility (being different), and birthparents may feel shame at placing the child for adoption.

4. Grief

Because adoption is seen as a problem solving and joyful win/win event, it is often difficult and confusing for all parties of the triad to also take the necessary step of processing their grief. For adoptees, the grief may not surface until adolescence, when all the normal identity issues surface.

5. Identity

Birthparents and adoptive parents may feel confused about their identity because they are parents, yet aren't parents in terms of how society may view them....or they may view themselves. Adoptees lose their family identity through adoption and "borrow" the family identity of the adoptive parents, but often feel as if they are playing a role.

6. Intimacy

Adoptees may fear intimate relationshiops because they may unknowingly be involved with a birth relative, or because they are unsure what they may genetically pass on to their children. They may also have attachment issues as a result of their early experiences with bonding. Birthparents may connect the loss of their child with the sexual encounter that led to the pregnancy, and fear intimacy because they now feel/ believe it leads to loss. Adoptive parents may have experienced an assault on their intimacy due to prior infertility treatments. They may also become reserved about expressing physical affection before the children fearing that the intimacy taboo might not hold in an adoptive family.

7. Control

Because human beings need to feel in control of their environment to a reasonable extent, the loss of control in adoption can have a long term effect. Birthparents may emerge from the adoption feeling vitimized and powerless. Adoptive parents may have developed "learned helplessness". This means that even before the adoption they did everything "right" and were still unable to create a child in the "natural" way. So when they do receive the child they may not be able to connect the event to anything they did. This may result in them being unable to connect to the child. Adoptees are either too young to be consulted about their adoption, or are offered no alternative. Once again the issue of powerlessness and no control is inherent here. This may lead to an inability to take responsibility for their actions.

It is important to remember that having to work through these issues leads to growth and a stronger sense of one's chosen identity. With the guidance, competence, and sensitivity of a licensed professional counselor, you and your family will connect more easily and master your challenges. As Carl Jung, eminent psychologist said, "There is no birth of consciousness without pain."

Helpful links:

• NJ Adoption Resource Clearinghouse
• Internet Resources for Adoption
• www.adoption.com